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‘Martini Alley’

Martini Alley and Other Swashbuckling Adventures of a Certified Klutz. A comical and light-hearted story of two people and their often-misguided quest for adventure. Besieged by mishaps, the Klutzes face each venture like the swashbucklers of old—head-on with confidence and enthusiasm.

It was spring of 1971 in Fort Gordon, Georgia. Nurse Lieutenant Diane Mumper had recently returned from duty in South Vietnam and was assigned a room in the Bachelor Officer’s Quarters across the hall from Lieutenant Steve Klutz, who had also recently returned. They had little in common except, like many other returnees, they were hell-bent on having a good time and remaining single.

Despite being nabbed by the Military Police for skinny dipping in the Officer’s Club pool and a bar-room brawl in an off-limits pool hall that nearly resulted in injuries, Diane fell in love with the effervescent Klutz, realizing that her life would never be boring.

And she was correct. Soon after marriage, the Klutzes begin their search for the perfect place to live and the perfect life. Building a house in the Colorado Rockies becomes a nightmare as crews escape for the winter, leaving the couple to finish it themselves. Undeterred by past mistakes, they tackle remodeling projects, including a 1920’s home, Bob Villa style and later a home on the Gulf Coast using a less than savory work crew.

Hitting mid-life with gusto, the Klutzes embark on a new adventure—boating. Beginning with tattoos, they discover the agony and ecstasy of yachting within the Red River and later the Texas Gulf waters. Whoever coined the phrase, “Buying a boat was the happiest day in my life second only to selling that boat,” must have been thinking about the Klutzes as they merrily drift from one boating mishap to another.

Thoroughly enjoying being on the water, the Klutzes decided that being in the water would be better, so they jumped into the sport of scuba-diving. Within the emerald waters of the Florida Panhandle, the often-murky waters of Bonaire, and the crystal blue waters of the Caribbean, the Klutzes encountered a world of color, beauty, and wonder. However, they also discovered to their dismay that the calmness of fifty feet below the surface could hide choppy waters above. Who knew you could throw up in full diving gear?

Leaving the watery world behind, Steve and Diane’s new adventure took them to the open road aboard a forty-plus foot motor home and much like Lucy and Desi in the “Long, Long Trailer” soon realized that disaster could lurk in the most harmless of places. From busted black water holding tanks to nearly plunging off a cliff in the Colorado Rockies, the Klutzes forged forward with gusto and determination. 

As the end of this eccentric and comic kind of marriage story approaches, there comes the realization that there is no ending. And there can’t be for as long as Steve and Diane have breath, they will continue to dream and scheme about what could be next.

 Language: English